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~*Smashley*~

[ website | A Little Piece of Insanity ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Haven't wrote in this one for a looong time [06 Mar 2005|11:45pm]
[ mood | creative ]

My life is breaking into pieces
I see that now
thanks for warning me
of just how things
would turn around
from glory to hatred
and then back again
my tongue spilling words
that I'll soon regret
silence me now
while you've got the chance
I was never good at
playing second best
Sever these ties that bound me
cover my wounds with golden thread
hold my hand as you drown me
and I smother within
now these lungs are filling
inside your sea of hatred
longing to betray
every promise made
in the dark
brutality at its greatest
coming from your jaded hands
it's always calming
with your hands around my neck
ripping the breath from my lungs
how I treasure every second
until my final breath
this sea of hatred
that you've created
will now be my death

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Yes, I'm listening, thanks for the excuse to stare into your eyes, one more night....... [09 Jul 2004|04:11pm]
I just thought i'd say goodbye. I'm leaving for cori's Nana's around 6:30 so i'll be back in 10 days. See you all the 20th. Have fun, and leave me a bunch of comments. lol.
love ya

Smashed: like a ego that has built itself on lies
3 comments|post comment

I can't see, i can't see cut away....... [09 Jul 2004|02:34am]
[ mood | sleep tight everyone ]

I'm going to write one more before i go to bed. i love everyone. sweet dreams. I will say good bye in the morning. see ya'll soon

smashed: Like a carboard box filled with broken promises that you trample on

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I am fucking done! [09 Jul 2004|01:29am]
[ mood | fuck everything. ]

Have you ever felt like a zombie? I don't know what the fuck my problem is, but i really feel weird. It's like i've taken too many drugs. I can't funtion right. I'm all out of it. I keep spacing out. I feel so fucking weird. I'm kinda numb. I dunno what it is. I'm sad, but i can't really feel the sadness. I've heard way too much tonight. Stories about jeff, and Christina's grandma. I fucking hate violence, and cancer. There is just so much around me that i can't deal with right now. I've been so depressed lately, and now, it's just so much. almost too much actually. I wish that i could change everything, make it better for everyone. I wish i had the power to do something about everything. I'd fucking take all the pain from everyone around me if i could. I'm numb right now, and i could deal with it. I fucking swear i could. I wish everything would get better, not worse. It's not though. Every day something else happens that makes me more upset. it's so hard to deal with.
love you all.

1 comment|post comment

i'm going to fill you in on everything, exactly what's inside.... [08 Jul 2004|11:21pm]
May she be strong
her eyes closed, in fear of what she'll see
sitting on the ledge again
life isn't easy when your mother hides behind
glasses and beer bottles
She waits......
 
sometimes she wants to leave this world
her creator refuses better herself for her child
she can't let go of the man
who promises to give her the world
instead she runs from her problems
She hides......
 
she wears a mask of a strong heart
she faces things she shouldn't face
her mothers problems no longer her own
and she's strong when she's around her friends
She smiles.....
 
her eyes so much brighter now
she's living without the doubt
of a mother who hides in shame
she knows she'll be okay
surrounded by people who care
She loves.....
 
nickel plated promises
her eyes so beautiful
but she hides them today
the weight of the world on her shoulders
but she'll be okay
surrounded by so much heartbreak
it's easy to see why she won't smile
but better day's are to come
and i promise she'll find love
perfection takes time
 
everything so treasured
in her heart of gold
though sometimes she feels cold
so worried by the pain around her
but with time the sun shall shine
and she'll be happy again
the worst is soon to come crashing to an end
the clouds will disappear
and her eyes will shine again
 
smiles for the corrupted
her heart is pure
she wishes to have it all back again
to see the world as it was before
she wants to love
and we all see
the person she is inside
she's so beautiful
and gives to make things better
 
she's so insecure sometimes
though her flaws are what make her special
and i think it's safe to say
she's close to perfect
no one will ever see
what she hides behind
all for the sake
of being who she truly is
she's an angel
1 comment|post comment

I'm feeling sick, i'm getting paranoid. can you find yourself with bright lights flashing? [08 Jul 2004|03:28pm]
[ mood | damn i'm tired ]

Well this is my last night home before the big trip. From Within better fucking rock with their cocks out at this show for me. No pics this time guys. It looks like Josh is gonna have to find someone else to do his eye liner. Hehe. I'd say let Tina, but she can't touch you. ;) I think i'm gonna go get a hair cut and shit today. That is if i can convince my mom to take me. I need one, cause i said i do. whatever. I'm really tired, and wore out, but oh well. I'm going to have to get used to not having this damn thing. Haha. Man 10 days without a computer. Damn, that's long for me. No little boring stories or stupid poems for you guys to read. You're lucky people. I'm sure i'll have more than enough to talk about when i get back though, so miss me when i'm gone. :) I guess that's all i have to say. I'm gonna go call my mommy and do some shit around here. toodles

SMASHED.... Like a road sign that gets crashed into due to speeding traffic that skips a beat.....

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sing the sleepless song and count the sin... [08 Jul 2004|01:29am]
[ mood | you think i'm happy now? ]

It seems I've been captured again. Maybe there is a way for life to direct you away from those who'd only harm you, but lead you closer to those who'd lend you a hand. I always find myself questioning the norm. "Is there really a reason to breathe today?" Of course there is, there are way too many words to be spoken, so why deprive yourself from exploring the minds around you?
It's not a typical day when you wonder into your own imagination, and find exactly where insanity and reality are divided. It's not fate that I can simply sit here, with my hands making love to a rectangle full of little black keys. This was the only possible way to become one with the things around me. I picked a star to wish upon for each of you, watching the images in my head when I closed my eyes.
As a child I subsided to their warnings. "Don't damn yourself little girl, don't you ever try to run away." They always tried to preach to me. But only when you find your true self do you realize the answers to all those little pesky questions and useless preaching's. It's not luck that you stumble across your soul and decide it's best that you pour it out to those around you. A typical "hello" should be molded into a beautiful conversation.
I still hear them whispering "Forgive her, she knows not the way to behave," as I sat before them and felt all their bitter stares. What's wrong with questioning things? I've only done what I see fit. I am not a slave to society, and I chose to be crucified for it, rather than give in to their world molded of a false truth. I would die just to let them know how I feel. So in silence I confess everything before them, baring my soul and my little tattered notebook.
They shall know of my sins before I go, and I refuse to go silently, for I am the reason they hold their ears. Never afraid to speak my mind, and now I see why its always been so "hush, hush." They are too scared to listen. Frightened that I might find out the truth. No, I won't give in to their bullshit convictions, their stares only scanning me, they'll never see inside. I am not the broken heart they see me as.
Just what is it they think is so wrong? My thoughts unstable now. I am so young and useless, I mean no harm. I only day dream and create a world better than the one I am living in now. This false reality is my only comfort. I'm satisfied with my self created insanity. They still manage to loath me for my thoughts. I am being punished for my hope, and I don't like it.
"I will make it out of this alive. They'll all suffer for this." I scribble in unbalanced and shaky letters. One by one I piece out their futures. "Now they shall have a reason to hate me." I quickly turn the page in fear that they'll see. Now I see why they don't understand me. The stars in my eyes become all too bitter, now I see why they hate. They fear the power of a young mind. An unbalanced soul ready to merge with insanity. The glass room they've stuck me in meant to protect me is cracking beneath my feet. The shards of glass will be the death of them all. And to think, just hours before I was wishing on stars to save them all. So this is what reality holds?

2 comments|post comment

the gun is to your head and mtv will pull the trigger, look at your surrondings...... [08 Jul 2004|12:00am]
[ mood | and to think, i could love you ]

Well i spent a huge part of the day sleeping. After i left cori's i came home and took a nap with my mom. I'm such a little kid. She woke me up around 5 to go out to eat at Ryans. It was okay, but i feel like shit now. Oh well. I came home and watched some dumb shit on tv. I called howard and talked to him for about an hour and a half. And now i'm sittin on my fat white ass talking to Cori. YAY!!! I don't have jack shit to talk about. Oh well. I guess i'll add some new poetry bullshit cause i'm super cool like that.
 

a child's carol
pieces of you remain scattered in my memoires
i can't escape the fact that you've molded me
even though i don't know you, i know you're out there
but for years I've lived without you
and you don't seem to care
no telephone calls, unexpected visits
just a jar full of quarters and empty promises
you're gone, and i don't really mind
i just wonder how much i am like you sometimes
the wrinkles in my forehead and my eyes when i cry
so much like you, but I'm different inside
I'd never turn my back
on an unborn child
or make promises and run away
you've hurt me more than I'd ever say
i put on a smile and push you away
i don't need you in my life, but i still wonder
what it would be like to see you face to face
I'd still look down upon you for running away

regnant
your eyes speak to me
their word's a bit shaky
your hands lay before me- unclean
I'd wash away the filth if i could
but the stains are so obvious
you've worked your self to the bone
and your heart is so cold
i think i could destroy every memory for you
rid you of your misery
but would you let me save you if i could
Am I just as useless as the rest?
the unloving woman seen by the world
is not as heartless as she seems
I'd mend your heart for nothing
just to see you satisfied again
my mind is full of ideas
but i speak nothing to you
i know within a second
this all could come unglued
it breaks my heart to see the life
dying in your eyes
the vibrant light fades with time
I'd try to rid the dimness if i could
ember
i watch it as it burns to nothing
i know once its gone, it dies
but I've tried to resuscitate it too many times
it'd be better to let this all fade away
it burns it dies
it burns it dies
and i watch it as it is forgotten
but i still feel the scars
if they where on the outside
I'd pick them apart
and never let them heal
then i could feel
a little piece of you
but instead I'm left with the ashes
because once its gone, its dead
once it burns to nothing, it dies
 
cast
tear stained cheeks
left in the freezing rain
the day i watched
your heart break
i stood there and did nothing
because the fault is my own
i lost a friend
there in the storm
the screaming and yelling did nothing
and i refuse to go back
you've become the enemy
and i don't think i can face it all again
i never used you
i never wanted more than a friend
and you've let me down so many times
you've never faced life on your own
your voice on the telephone
such a distant memory
they day our love died
a piece of me died too
 
 
 
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felt the best that i could feel, censored every memory, give me yours so i can feed mine. [06 Jul 2004|04:31pm]
[ mood | would u stay and down in me? ]

For the ocean

Without it I'm failing
My heart waits in the wings alone
The stages I go through
Keep coming time and time and time again
Do you wonder how I stay
So complacent
It's like waiting for the ocean
To save you from the waves
When you're so far under
Silent
Never moving
You've taken your timing
So flawless executing me
So fearless and hopeful
Can you imagine such a scene?

Stay and drown

Good God have I been dreaming
This paralyzing feeling?
Was I left alone? Where have you gone?
Were you somewhere else just sleeping?
If I wait to wake you
I'll never ask you
Would you take my hand?
In the deepest end
Would you stay and drown in me?
My open eyes see everything
But I'm passing all the days
through a window pane
And as the scene would change
I'd stay the same
This paradise was nothing new
But the paradise gets tired of you
A single conversation
Stole my attention
My open eyes see everything
And you see nothing
And don't forget it

Famous

Wait if everything's going great
Can you remember a day to tell?
If someone should wish you well
Then there's a narrow chance
All I want from you my dear friend
I don't even want
I could show you how
And you say you've got that feeling again
It won't be long enough
But it may never end I know
Wait I thought I had something to say
I will remember someday
Fate found you buckling under the weight
And you thought you would last
All I got from you my dear friend
I don't ever want
Follow your answers
But you look so bitter
Who are you?
Are you famous?
Important?
Don't stop that glitter
All I wanted from you
Is all forgotten for you

Thousand Mile Wish
Forgive me if now I wear the face of worry
This time alone could never cause any doubt
But I’ve been cold too long
Such a strange time to find myself coming down as the rain
With all the holes my love,
To fill up from the middle
This storm could stay all night

So can you stay until we close our eyes
Til your dreams hold mine
Just stay until we know we tried one more time

Cause laughing lovers can overcome their closest demons
And they’ll go on and they won’t let go
They saw something that they know
Has never come so close
Can it stay here for us, for now?

Can it stay until we know ourselves?
I’m torn as I tell
You’re the story that I know and fell from
I’m so far into your story I don’t know why
We think we’re in control
When we lie between the lines

We’ll find a line to follow
It’s got to show real soon
Or we’ll never each this high

We climb a little further
Cause there’s nothing we can’t get around together
Further gets colder until nothing was all that I saw around

So we stay until the ground
That we can’t come down from splits us away
Maybe stars know why we fall
I just wish they were thinking out loud
Oh, I could wish all night

 
Obvious heart

The obvious heart has come to collect
Cause it tore apart like a tortured insect
The obvious heart waits here to heal
And balances out a subtle reveal

Cause there’s a remedy close
In a familiar dose
This bitter pill to swallow
Is last in the bottle tonight
You’re empty it’s alright

And full of yourself
No need to explain
To anyone else
Broken in time
Taken what’s left
No need to deny
The cause or effect

This heart is not a broken one
But where have all the colors gone
It’s still among the lucky ones

This heart is not a broken one
But where have all the colors gone
You’re still among the lucky ones
And burning longer than the sun

Cause there’s a remedy close
In a familiar dose
Now you can find out who knows
Soaking the truth that she says
In taken chances

 

shudder

so sad to everyone
did not occur to you
wake up an empty shell
someone to crawl into

dead days refuse to dream
the blanket still asleep
concealing every flaw
till you uncover me

could it be that i'm fading far away straight out of it

no truth i can confirm
no truth that i can sense
passing time i can't recall
the truth it surfaces

open eyes open heart
open up and fall apart

i'll be that burden you bear

awake and dreaming

i can't lose anything
so what's left is mine
and I win this time

consolation day
i'll make up a way
i'll know now just what to say

i'll get away from you
wait and I'll be begging
i'll pull you down

i saw it all again
fading memory became clear to me
i try but I can't say
that I'm yours for good
support me you said you would

i'll get away from you
wait and I'll be begging
i'll pull you down

awake and dreaming
I'm only sleeping

costume for a gutterball

the mask keeps on slipping and tearing
the holes are big enough to see
i strain and i'm bending to hear you
what did you tell me

so slow
you see me disappear
taken in taken away
caught in another memory
looking for something left to see
now i want something

the one in the corner it's moving
slowly up slowly down
never too brilliant or clever
it won't turn around
no one will know that i'm looking
they can't get to me

Swallowtail

let me in
and let me go
tell me that
i need to know

swallow the key swallow the key
you feel compelled but its far too late to try and tell me now
so i'll try to suck it out
open mouth feels warm
secrets swollen so sore

we all know and we can't ask why
you turned into an ugly butterfly
that shape of you
closes in and forms a shade of grey
hanging over hanging me

sorry you're gone
the voices they left me thinking
the words that i've forgotten now
try to come but can't come out

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so come outsde and walk with me, we'll try each other on and see if we fit...... [06 Jul 2004|01:55pm]
[ mood | fuck i have alot of shit to do ]

I'm bored. About to jump in the shower, and finnish laundry, and clean, but still i sit here wasting time. I have alot of shit to do today. I have to go see Shelly's baby, go out to eat with my family, and finnish packing at Cori's. But before i do any of that i have got to finnish shit around here, and like always i'm taking my time when i know it's just gonna make things harder. Oh well. That's me. I guess that's all there is to say, I'm a fucking dork. I'll write more when i get out of the shower and get shit done. Toodles.

Smashed, like a piece of candy you spit from your mouth because the taste is rancid.

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Dark skies, she walks, inside these damaged walls. [05 Jul 2004|11:03pm]
[ mood | I like boys haha ]

Sometimes i wonder why i've spent the whole summer sitting in front of this fucking computer. I'm an idiot. I spent  an hour or so talking to Howard tonight. I'm so sad that caustic broke up, but i really think it's for the best. I dunno who's side to believe, but i've known Howard much better than any of the other guys, and i guess i'll choose his. The rest of the guys have always been nice to me, but i've been one of Howard's closest friends for over 2 years now. It's sick to see how people turn their backs on all their friends. But i to have done that myself so i can't he a hypocrite and critisize the things the thing they've done. It's just bullshit to let 7 years of friendship go that easy. I'm sad. Oh well. That's life.

The fouth was kinda fun. I spent it with my best friend. That's always a blast. She's the bestest friend anyone could have. hehe. We played spoons and ate way too much food according to my grandma, even though we had one plate and came home and ordered pizza. Fun times. Fireworks suck, and we crashed kinda early. Josh, my ex, works at domino's and he should hook us up lol. Just sitting around, waiting for tomorrow now, cause we gotta pack again, and Howard is supposed to come up. Watch him fall asleep again and forget. haha. I love that guy. I'm excited about this trip. I can't wait. I'm sleepy though, and i'd go to bed, but i'm talking to my girl and thinking about some sexy guy, who has no clue that i even have feelings about him. He'll never know, and thats cool.

Well i guess i'll end it here. Cori's farting and i can hear it through the cell phone. sick. haha. It smells like shit i've been informed. Go Coreo. I love ya'll niggas, and i can say nigga if i want. It's all about the soul!!! ;)

SMASHED..........

 

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we are the belivers, new plastic soldiers of the rich......... [05 Jul 2004|06:18pm]
[ mood | fucking rain ]

never wake up from this night mare
never close your eyes to unbroken dreams
never seeing life through the eyes of a child
until i can see through my own
 
hiding the pain in a smile
i'll be okay for awhile
until you turn away
i'll be okay
please don't leave me here
 
never wake up from this night mare
never close your eyes to unbroken dreams
never seeing life through the eyes of a child
until i can see through my own
 
don't turn away
cause i'll be okay
when i learn to live on my own
to turn your face
i know i've missplace
this heart made of stone
 
never wake up from this night mare
never close your eyes to unbroken dreams
never seeing life through the eyes of a child
until i can see through my own
 
I'm kinda worried about Howard. It's not like him to cancel plans and not call back. I really hope everything is okay. I think i have everything i need for my trip, and that's a good thing. I wish i'd have a chance to say goodbye to all my friends before i leave. I'll miss you all. I'm sleepy, and the rain just won't go away. I can't get this idea out of my head. I can't stop writing today. It's so great, i am happy that i have things to share. I wanna go back to sleep though. Dreams are always nice. I don't think they'll ever come true, but it's okay to still have them right? Well i'm gonna get off  here and hang out with my mom. I guess i'll be back later.
Smashed......
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I can say nigger if i want!! ;) haha [04 Jul 2004|11:17pm]
[ mood | fucking sleepy.... ]

Yea, the show was fun. They played worthless. i was so suprized. not really. Josh took us home, thanks again, love ya. I'm tired, and this has been a pretty weird 4th. We went to Ricky's and we had some bad storms, and i saw two rainbows. Sexy. I don't really have much to say, I'm about to go to sleep. well toodles. OH and if you want to see the pics i took from the show you can at http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v237/datura502/ :) have fun.

Ashley

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value everything that you once took for granted. [02 Jul 2004|03:05am]
[ mood | i love you guys ]

Is it wrong to cry just because you know people care about you? Is it wrong to feel greatful to have friends that actally give a shit that you are around? Well i feel that now. Christina and i have been having one long ass meaningful conversations, and i think it's easy to say that friendship is the greatest thing that a person can be blessed with. I have been blessed with some terrific friends. Cori, Tina, Mattie, and Howard have been there for me through everything. I just want to tell tina that the night i went strolling down the street crying was not her fault at all. That night was a revolution for me. I realized so much. Not only that i didn't need that worthless piece of shit in my life, but that i do have some awesome freinds. I'm sorry if i don't always act like i care. I'd die if i lost any of you. i'M SORRY that you felt like it was your fault. That night was absolutely a blast until he came over. hehe. Cori, i love you, and there's no way to describe how much you mean to me. I've never had someone touch my life the way that you have. You are a fucking blessing. I'd be dead if it weren't for you. (Shampoo doesn't = suicide) Mattie, I'm sorry i haven't been here for you like i should. I'll make it up to you. Howard, it's been a rough last couple of weeks, and i know you can't read this, but still, i'm here for you no matter what. I won't let the negitivity come between you and i. I gained more than just a favorite band, i gained a friend that understood me. I'm sorry about the way i treated you the first time you came and hung out, but i'll make it up saturday. You can't fucking replace freinds. You can try to forget them, but that doesn't work. Nakita, i wish you where still in my life, and if i had a way to get in contact with you. I hope i see you somewhere, and we can just sit down and talk. I can forgive and look past all the bullshit. We can work through our problems, and rebuild a friendship that we once had. I know it's possible. Lucas, I fucking loved you. You were the only guy who acted more girly than me. I miss doing your hair and makeup. just kiddin. I miss having you around, and talking you. You where really a great friend, and i hope you find it in your heart to call me back. It's been too long, and i want to be part of your life again. I really want to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time and chance of befriending me. You all mean so much to me, and i don't want to loose another person due to petty bullshit. love ya'll
Ashley

4 comments|post comment

yea, do it. [02 Jul 2004|12:23am]
1 who are you?
2 are we friends?
3 when and how did we meet?
4 how have i affected you?
5 what do you think of me?
6 what's the fondest memory you have of me?
7 how long do you think we will be friends?
8 do you love me?
9 do you have a crush on me?
10 would you kiss me?
11 would you hug me?
12 physically, what stands out?
13 emotionally, what stands out?
14 do you wish i was cooler?
15 on a scale of 1-10, how hot am i?
16 give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17 am i loveable?
18 how long have you known me?
19 describe me in one word.
20 what was your first impression?
21 do you still think that way about me now?
22 what do you think my weakness is?
23 do you think i'll get married?
24 if so, who?
25 what makes me happy?
26 what makes me sad?
27 what reminds you of me?
28 if you could give me anything what would it be?
29 how well do you know me?
30 when's the last time you saw me?
31 ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
32 do you think i could kill someone?
33 are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what i say about you?
2 comments|post comment

When it's over, i see myself falling so far behind everything, loosing it all, just to cry...... [01 Jul 2004|11:13pm]
[ mood | FUCK YOU D! ]

Such a fucking way to treat your friend ehe? You spend 7 years of your life being the best freind, then you throw it all away just because they are not good enough to be "part" of something that is clearly not going anywhere. What a fucking low life back stabber you are. I'd hate it if i where in that postion, cause frankly you're no better, and i'd just kick your fucking ass. I'd let that love i felt for 7 years turn into hate within a split second, and react as if i'd hated you my whole life. You just don't turn your back on the people you supposedly care about that quickly. I hate you for doing this to him. I'm the only fucking person here for him to turn to, not that i'm complaining, but i fucking can't stand you right now for doing what you've done. It's such a bitch move. I want so bad to just hurt you the way you've hurt him. But it's all over now, and maybe one day you'll see that you were the one who loss. You'll learn one day that you don't treat people that way. I dedicated so much time and energy to something so fucking plastic that it makes me sick to think about it. How much longer would it have lasted? Years? I am glad to see it come to this, you don't deserve someone that talented and dedicated. You're a worthless piece of shit, and everyone will come to see that. FUCK YOU. You ended something good, for the sake of making yourself feel better. I hope you see that you are the one who's lost EVERYTHING. I love you H. I really do, and no one else will hurt you like this i swear. It's not ever happening again. You won't ever hurt him again. There is something about people like you that disgust me. Walking over people, just to befreind them, and turn your back on them when it benifits you. That's low.

I've said all i have to, I hope you fucking rot in hell, you stupid bastard.

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We all know, and we can't ask why, you've turned into such an ugly butterfly............. [01 Jul 2004|05:20pm]
[ mood | anal ]

I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've been in such a hyper/anxious mood for the last couple days, and then last night i broke down and cried for no reason. I dunno if it's the idea of being let down so many times, or just the fact that i watched all the video's of me and mongo at Cori's house, Severedsoul shows from tek world, One With Misery, Caustic. It's depressing just thinking about how much things change. I had so much to live for and be happy about last summer, and slowly but surely, they are all disappearing. Mongo is an asshole, Kyle and i broke up (as well as severedsoul), Anthony and i broke up (as well as One With Misery), Caustic never plays anymore and i just feel like there's really nothing left to make me happy. I have from within to listen to, but sometimes i just feel like i'm too "All about" them, and that i seem fake. Maybe i just worry too much? I don't think this shit is helping much. I'm tired of spending my days at home with this fucking computer and a cell phone. That's not real communication. It's worthless. I'm not assosicating with people face to face. I miss that. i Really do. I'm just rambling on. The most fun i get is going to from within shows at pappy's. I'm fucking 17 years old, 3 months away from being 18 and i spend summer on a fucking computer. I need to get out more, but i fear people too much to trust them enough to let them pick me up and have us go hang out somewhere. What's wrong with me? I need a life.....

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the bitter air makes every breath so feeble...... [30 Jun 2004|03:34pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]

I think i'm going to Cori's tonight. Josh is supposed to come over, but i'm not sure about that. He probably won't, cause he hasn't the last 5 times that he said he would ;). lol. I'm tired and i have a sore throat. We just got back from the doctor with my grandma. I guess everything's okay with her. That's good. I'm trying to find a cheep laptop, so if anyone has/knows someone who wants to sell a laptop, let me know k? I'm really tired, and bored, and i can't wait to go to South Dakota. This friday from within's playing pappy's again. woo hoo. Saturday I'm going shopping for the trip, then i'm gonna try and hang out with Howard, and Sunday is the forth. So doesn't look like I'll have time to rest any time soon. Poor me. I talked to Ryan last night(caustic) and he said the thing at Kentucky Kingodom went good. Shawn said "Fuck" at the begaining of the show, but unlike last year they gave them a second chance. That just proves that we don't have to be there for there to be any trouble. Haha. Just playin. I love them guys to death. Well i figured i'd post some pics on here. I'm bored and there's nothing else to do.

 

a little view of happiness, hidden behind tearsCollapse )

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give me the super pill to make everything alright!!! [30 Jun 2004|02:54am]
[ mood | fuck you bitch, die ]

i watched as you drifted away
lost touch of reality
grasping everything, only to let it go
and you lost yourself in the process
so rapped up in this vision of happiness
you scared yourself beyond compare
to the pain that now lives inside your heart
and somehow you've learned to bare
changing yourself to gain desire
yet you lost yourself along the way
i want that vividness back
the fire in your eyes died
along with the life you used to lead
distance came between
all you used to be
sacrificing everything
to gain self pity
you know it's still a question
of what you used to be
i lost so much watching you fail
And yet, I did nothing.

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watching the weather change, but outside my window it stays the same. I'm here again without you.... [30 Jun 2004|01:06am]
[ mood | crushed ]

last night we went to poa's practice and it was amazing. They sound so great. I really wasn't into their demo, but now that i've heard more than just "Abandomed" and their other songs with out lyrics, i really think i am going to fall in love with their music. Mike wants to see me rub jello on myself. (Inside joke)

I'm kinda depressed for various reasons, and i want to talk about them, but somehow i know that if i do it will only make things worse. I just feel like this is never going to end. I'm contastantly at battle with myself over stupid reasons. I'm trying to better myself though, and that's what really matters. The next time thoughts like these cross my mind, i know i can deal with it alot better. I'm trying to better myself. I just feel like crying right now though, for no apparent reason. I'm doing things i shouldn't do too. Don't worry though, it's not serious. I just know that the rusults won't be too pretty if i stay the same. I'm trying to find out what i want in life, and maybe one day i'll be 100% sure in my choices and dissions. I guess we'll just have to see.

Cori went home today, and i miss her. I'll probably go over there tomorrow, i dunno for sure though. I've been with her for almost 2 weeks now. haha. I'm suprized she's not sick of me. I love her to death.

I found out Tina's mom has a hole in her heart, I'm not alone!!! I've had one, but i don't get checked out and shit like  i should, but whatever. It hasn't been bothering me, so there's nothing to worry about right now. I know my kidney stones are comming back, and i haven't been taking my meds like i should. Oh well, it's my own fault if it starts hurting like it did before. I'm going to try and go to the doctor next week though, and get some more pain pills.

Still fucking lonely. I want someone, and I've got my eye set, but i don't think he feels the same about me, and i'm not going to try and push things. If it works out, then i'll be happy. If not, I dunno. I just don't like to be annoying, and let my feelings out before i know what the other person thinks. I'm too worried about reactions.

 I re-did my site today, if you wanna check it out its www.freewebs.com/smashed_caustic_candy . I also built one for Lynn. It's www.freewebs.com/flamingangel2005 . Check those out and let me know what you think.

Finger eleven is playing lrs fest with Flaw and Breaking Benjamin. woo hoo. I FINALLY GET TO SEE MY FAVORITE BAND LIVE. AFTER 6 FUCKING YEARS! I'm so excited. :)

We'll i love you all, and if you want leave me some comments, cause i haven't got any in a long time. hugs and kisses

SMASH

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